Ask Anything: How do I tell my husband that he is no longer good enough for me?
Response
I had to let this question sit in my spirit a little. Anyone who has made a substantial change in their lifestyle will have the tendency to reevaluate their circumstances. As someone who has experienced this, I can relate. Once, I was heavier than I am today. At my heaviest, I was 580 pounds, at 6ft 5in. I didn't think that I looked that bad, but I was in denial. I had a weight loss surgery, and boy did it change more than just the number on the scale. As I began to lose weight, the dormant parts of my personality resurfaced. It felt really good to be the person I always wanted to be, but was too embarrassed because of my weight.
It's ok to feel better about you
This kind of thing has a tremendous impact on the way that you see yourself and the way you feel when interacting with others. This brings me to my point. You mentioned that you were starting to receive attention from the men at work. The newly found attention has more to do with the way you feel about you than the way you look. I am not naive, however, it is clear that your "improved" figure has something to do with the attention as well. That being said, I am going to have to go ahead take my sensitivity hat off.
With all due love and respect
You are totally full of shit. Did your marriage vows mean anything to you? I hope that you have left some details out of this story that will upgrade my opinion of the kind of person you are. You really need to do something to soothe the materialist beast that is taking over in your life. How do you know that the men at work, with the better cars and homes are actually better? How do you know they are not abusers, keeping a spare ass whipping on hold for you? Perhaps they are jealous, controlling, and unwilling to allow you the same freedom as your current husband. There are millions of hypothetical situations I could conjure to correct your momentary lapse into ignorance, but I will stop here.
Final Answer
What i will say, your current state of mind is temporary. You may be successful at keeping your figure but your insides will continue to be fucked up as long as you continue in this current vein of immaturity. Sex, money, cars, all fade. Unless you no longer value your current relationship, you need to sit the hell down somewhere. We still love you tho sis :-)
Have questions you need answers to? Subscribe and
(click here) email them to me. Let's get better together!
Artist Spotlight: SZA
This artist needs very little introduction
SZA’s new album Crtl, released on June 9th, combines the sounds of Neo Soul, R&B, and Hip Hop. It mixes sounds and rhythms that stand apart from the typical radio or club hits that we hear today. Born Solana Imani Rowe in St. Louis, MO, SZA was raised in an orthodox Muslim household, sheltered from the influences of television and radio.
A smidge of background
This album comes through speakers like a breath of fresh air. I'm pretty late to the party, and after some research, it was clear that this artist has been around far longer than I ever imagined. What I love about her sound, is that she is at once energetic and chill. "She was later discovered by Punch in 2011 at a music industry event, while she was there working for a clothing brand. A friend was playing her music and Punch overheard, which led to her 2012 release of “See.SZA.Run” and later being signed by TDE in 2013."
She reeks of confidence, which comes through effortlessly in her performances. I listened to the latest album for the last week, and I have not gotten tired of it yet, which is rare for me. I will say that some of the songs are a miss, with some far-fetched lyrics and questionable beats. Overall this is an A- effort, and a hard-won victory. SZA gets the artist spotlight for being herself and being damn good at it.
In October of last year, SZA tweeted “I actually quit. @iamstillpunch can release my album if he ever feels like it. Y’all be blessed”. The news outlets began reporting that SZA was quitting music for good, even though the tweet was deleted later that day. SZA said that the anxiety and frustration she was feeling in her life led her to consider walking away from music. Thankfully, none of that happened and today we have this rare gem to get us through the summer!
Check out a sample of her tracks below.
[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/embed?listType=playlist&list=PLqJ_b8IWlEQNtoHmqcSNHlDjjX6PLiFeq&v=DcRi3j8sjtU&layout=gallery[/embedyt]
I Aint Friends With Your GF: NSFW
Question: Girls
"Why do heffas think it's ok to plan an all girls trip, but yet they feel like they can bring their lovers, wives, gf's, etc because they are the same sex? I think that's some B.S. Nothing specific recently, but I think some of my friends were talking about either going on or have been on a girl's trip, but they're partners were included. I always wanted to ask how that works, but didn't want to argue or hurt anybody's feelings. In the back of my mind I'm like how can you heauxs go on or plan a fucking girl's trip and your fuck buddy gets to come because she has a coochie. Fuck that. If you can get some on this trip I want some too. Where is my husband, shit? I ain't friends with your GF!"
First of all LMAO
This scenario seems unique to me, to say the least. IMO a girls trip is a girls trip. To me, it means a group of friends, who happen to be women go on a trip together to have fun. Perhaps some of your friends have an alternative opinion.
- Define "girls trip".
- Let them know where you stand.
- Tell them to stop trying to be slick and plan a "couples" vacation if that is what they are looking for.
Answer:
Whenever I see couples infringing on the free time of a group of friends, I immediately think that there is a problem in the relationship.
- Trust issues
- Insecurity
- Infidelity
- Narcissism
Feel free to pick one of the above. I could be wrong about their motivation, but that is really irrelevant. Either they can commit to friend time, or the can stay at home. Its really that simple. Have the talk and let me know how it turns out.
Want your questions answered. Subscribe today and send your email!
The Road That Brought Goodbye
I have learned so far...
It happened unexpectedly. Standing in a room with people who I recognize as relatives, but have on occasion felt no connection to, I'm forced to relive the moments I have worked very hard to forget. I no longer have the luxury to compartmentalize and must now come face to face with the fact that the father I erased all emotional connection to, is now dying.
Eventually, you realize the big things, the really big things, turn out to be far less valuable than the hurt that you treasure as a result of them. Redemption is earned and not given, moreover you can only earn it from yourself. I have spent many years training myself to keep up a façade of stone and impenetrability whike crumbling underneath. Life has taught me, what I once mistook for strength was really cowardice and immaturity. At best, I can hope for healing, and at worst more hard truths.
The hour
I woke up one weekend not long ago, to what promised to be a day like any other. I received several messages from family, to let me know that our father’s condition was deteriorating. I am aware that the last 6 years have only been available to him, through various palliative treatments. Our relationship for the past 20 years has been more or less non-existent. The story is not the same for my elder siblings.
As a note, parents of children separated by large age gaps, be mindful. Help your younger children maintain those relationships with those that came before them. Growing up as an only child and knowing you have brothers and sisters is a bit lonelier than being an only child in the more traditional sense.
I’ve not lived long enough to share a life story, what I have is more a lesson. The sheer weight of hurt and broken relationships is smothering.
All at once I realized that I did actually care, in a far larger capacity than I ever anticipated.
None of this can be fixed. I cannot recapture the years that have hastened by without my permission, or the hard feelings that I have tucked away to preserve my ability to soothe my ego through righteous indignation.
The abyss that is my familial divide continues to expand, with some exception, but continues nonetheless. I blame no one and everyone, while in the end I know owning the isolation I have created is a must. Removing the boundaries, I have laced with electric toxicity is left to me.
Finally
I mourn the impending loss with a consternation I have never felt before. Simultaneously, I feel guilty for my inabiluty to connect directly with the sadness. I tell myself that I will be sad on their behalf, but in truth I regret a fully realized relationship that will never be.
I speak to him in my way hoping that after the transition my messages will be waiting for him.
I want you to know what you meant and what you missed. A part of me loves you like the little boy who always wanted what the other little boys had.
I missed you then and I miss you now.
I will give the love I wanted from you to my children. I know they thank you. I will never tell them what you weren’t, but show them what you should have been.
I love you anyway. I will always remember what you did share with me, and thank you for the strength I gained through struggle.
I don't recall asking for your opinion: Accepting Constructive Criticism Part II
Feedback / Criticism isn't all bad
When you receive feedback from someone, depending on what they say, the window for response is very small. This means there is a moment, potentially a microsecond, when you decide to either go off or take it all in. Remember, there is a big difference between receiving constructive feedback and being insulted. Your job is to differentiate between the two. One of your biggest challenges will be accepting feedback from people you don't like. This is a really big challenge because dislike is often coupled with lack of respect.
Shady co-workers are the worst. We see them interact with others and we form opinions about their behavior, making it hard to receive anything other than an infrequent "hay" from them. Try to remember, "even a clock with no batteries is right twice a day". I am not going to pretend that I would be able to do this any better than you would. The gap between knowing the right thing and doing the right thing is very misleading. Knowing is very close, while doing is very far away. We will just pray on this one and move on. :-)
Success is imminent
You have managed not to trip out. You are probably doing your best to contain yourself and not morph into any of the characters from "The Office". The best thing you can do for yourself is keep a straight face. Don't force a fake smile, don't laugh condescendingly (that was mostly for me), and don't move towards the person with your arms flexed! Try not to be defensive, since they are just as uncomfortable with interaction as you are. It’s difficult to give feedback to another person . Unless they are messy, if they are messy walk away before you engage. No follow-up.
Say Thank you
LOL! ok, I know I am pressing my luck with this one. At the very least, say something like I will think this over. It doesn't mean you are validating their observations, but it does mean that you took the time to consider it.
Instead of getting pissed get info
Try these questions to move the conversation forward in a non-confrontational way.
- "Explain what you mean by your observation"
- "I'm not disregarding your opinion, but I do need to know what you mean specifically to address it"
- "Have observed this behavior before now? Was it frequent"
- "How can we fix this and move forward"
Constructive criticism is how we learn to see ourselves the way that others see us. There is almost always a disconnect between the impression we think we make and thee impression we actually make. Learning and growing is always a choice, it's up to you to make it. Remember, you are ultimately responsible for you.
Never miss an update. Subscribe below today.
Is It Normal to Smash Plates?
Is It Normal to Smash Plates?
I cooked some spaghetti for my husband afer her came home from work, but he didn’t like the taste and he yelled at me “this is shit”! He threw the plate against the wall. The plate broke and ruined the wall with tomato sauce. Afterward, he forced me to clean everything all while insulting me.
Addressing the issue
My answer to this has a couple of different parts. Initially, I kept thinking of ways to respond without being a condescending a**hole. I don't think I managed a response that meets that description, so we will proceed as best as we know how.
Let's being by focusing on the words you chose to describe your situation. You intimated you're experiencing an overwhelming sense of helplessness. While those were not your chosen words, you are clearly feeling like you have not control over your circumstances. I have talked with many people who have expressed this sentiment. It sounds like this situation could escalate, unexpectedly, and in a dangerous way. If this could potentially be true, you need to seek help, to fix the situation or get out of it, quickly.
This is not normal behavior: Adults don't throw dishes. Most of all, they certainly don't throw dishes at those who prepared a meal for them. When you say you had to clean it up, is that like you had to because he didn't? Were you forced to clean up without your consent? Normally I would share a story relating scenarios to the submitted questions, but in your case, I just don't have one.
Honestly, I'm not really qualified to answer your question in a way that is meaningful, or goes beyond " Girl fuck him get out of there". I will leave you with this, get help, professional or otherwise. I want you to know you have options, and you don't have to live in fear. We care.
If you would like to submit questions please be sure to send email them. You will always be anonymous.
Error: Contact form not found.
Artist spotlight: Khalid
A small scoop on Khalid
I know, I know, Khalid is not necessarily a new artist. He is still newish... right? Remember, the artist spotlight is for more than just new artists. It's also for those artist that do not necessarily receive the recognition or airtime that they deserve. So, let's carry on.
The first time I heard his music, I thought that Khalid was a veteran country crossover pop star. Turns out, he is a young guy from the country... so I was partially right. Khalid is from El Paso, Texas and turns out he is only 19! His military family lived in various places from Germany to upstate New York before settling in Texas. Like most kids, much of his musical influence comes from his family, who listened to 90's R&B artists such as Brandy and TLC.
What you need to know
I was instantly drawn to his sound, very rare, although all I could locate at the time were a couple of singles and a stranded EP on Spotify. His full album "American Teen" was released in 2017, and is available on most music outlets. "Location", probably the song that most have heard, is not his best work.
I compiled a sample of some of his standout tracks for you below. Don't say I haven't ever done anything nice for you!!
Never miss an update, Subscribe below.
[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/embed?listType=playlist&list=PLqJ_b8IWlEQN00majM3yHqXKdoqAI0oQE&v=by3yRdlQvzs&layout=gallery[/embedyt]
I don't recall asking for your opinion: Accepting Constructive Criticism Part I
Who asked you anything
OK, I admit it. I am really bad at this. Whenever I'm offered unsolicited feedback, my natural response is almost never positive. If you want to rub me the wrong way, give me your non-essential opinion and I will give you something to remember. Just thinking of it now created a reactive response. I'm sure there are many who feel just as I do, but we know better so we have to do better. Constructive criticism is a tool for growth. WE ARE GROWING
We should interpret criticism as a spotlight moment, especially when it is constructive. Remind yourself "hey, this is all about me and I am being given an opportunity to do better". It is our job as productive people to find weaknesses and areas of improvement. I was near choking during every moment of typing that last sentence, however, i know that every word of it is the truth. During this time of growth, I ask that you not judge me, we all have our "struggle's" and this is one of mine.
Upgrade your wiring
In "The Evolution of Self", Dr. Leon Stelzer says, "
In other words, we come with bad wiring from the 60's. 70's, 80's that we have to continue to upgrade to comply with current standards. Our "faulty wiring", is exposed when we are criticized / judged. This is not a moment when you get to blame your parents for you bad behavior. This is when we understand the "why" behind our behavior. Once you understand why you do what you do, it is easier to repair / eliminate undesired behavior patters. Own it, fix it, move on.
Can I trust my ears, of course I can
Change the way your listen: That moment when you know the next words out of your boss's mouth will be ones make you want to stare at him as if you could sear his flesh from his face with your laser vision...Don't.
Don't react, listen intently. Imagine that he/she wants to help you be your best. Even if that isn't their goal, treat each moment as a learning opportunity, you will always be the beneficiary of your life lessons. If there is any chance of changing our behaviors, we are going to have to begin by practicing self-validating behaviors.
Stop allowing negative thoughts to circle around your mind repeatedly. Instead, remind yourself that you may not be perfect, but you are a far sight better than you were 5 years ago. Find the receipt for all the insults and insecurities you've collected over the years and take that shit back to the store, you don't need it anymore!
The second part of this article is coming soon! Be sure not to miss any updates. Keep up with all the latest transformative information. SUBSCRIBE TODAY!
Artist Spotlight: Ella Mai, Ready EP
Ella Mai Releases a new EP for 2017
Ella Mai, as you know by now , is a British R and B / Pop artist. She has released three EP’s under 10 Summers Records: Time, Change, and Ready. Her next release will be her début album
Ella Mai’s “She Don’t” is everything you ever typed out to an ex before you thought better of it and hit cut. The 21-year-old singer’s bold début single blazed a trail through the OVO Sound show when it premiered on Beats 1 .
What you really want to know
Most of anything you would want to know about her personally is on her Wikipedia / Sound Cloud / Artist Page / iTunes bio, and the list goes on.
- Stand out Tracks : Boo'd up , Breakfast in Bed, Anymore
- Is her music any good? Its pretty good. She gives a smooth summertime vibe, which is why I chose her for this article
- Would you want play this every day? No I don't think so, however, it is a nice something new.
- She has a really great voice and some great production and beats.
- I would classify this as fun feel good music, ironically, since most of what she sings about are failed and /or unfulfilled relationships
Verdict: I think it deserves a listen. It is miles above much of the garbage that is now floating through the music charts. She has her own perspective and a really unique sound that makes you wonder what her full album attempt will feel like.
Try some of her music here:
[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/embed?listType=playlist&list=PLqJ_b8IWlEQMumgxUpSrfaLg9F9B1m2cK&layout=gallery[/embedyt]
Critical Thinking is More than Figuring Out How to Get What You Want
Hello, Good morning, Good afternoon, and Goodnight
It’s time to wake up your brain and jumpstart your efforts. Get focused on critical thinking. If you are like me, now and then you need a kick in the ass to get it together. I was talking to a friend the other day, and we both agreed that we great advice. We also agreed that we are both really bad at taking advice. Most times we all know the right things to do, we simply struggle to break the emotional connection that prevents logical decision-making. You are in luck today buddy, I don’t know you! I have no emotional connection to your issues, but I do care enough to share some quality info with you.
You know why this is important, focus
Critical thinking is the difference between having a plan and winging it. It is also the difference between success and failure. Too often, we are reactionary, rather than strategic. A strategy is a rationale at the heart of every successful critical thinker.
If you allow the way you perceive questions and problems to evolve, you will begin to see new possibilities. These avenues will not always be the ones that you choose, however, you will have options. There is nothing better than options right! We have all heard or read something regarding critical thinking. So why bother to share this info today. My goal is to share ways to implement the practice in a real way. It is very easy to say what you want to do happen, but very different to do it. Let’s begin!
Stop stalling
Planning is not a waste of time. Take time to account for potential obstacles, Things will go wrong, meanwhile, you will be more prepared for the unknown. Imagining what could go wrong, or being paralyzed by uncertainty is the opposite of planning. The key is, recognizing the difference between planning and stalling. Think about contingencies and move forward. One word, moderation.
Get focused on your objectives
I am so random. Sometimes, it takes a great deal of energy to reign in my thoughts so that I can plan and execute a strategy. The best thing you can do for yourself creates a list. Think about what is most important, and cross off one thing at a time. The more time you spend yakking about what you want to do rather than working on it, the more likely you are to fail
What if your goals are complicated
Break it down. Think about what needs to happen first, second, third… In other words, start to dissect your goal into its smaller components and do them a little at a time. I know you are a rock star, and you are great at everything. Everyone can benefit from chunking objectives into manageable goals.
Ditch the days of I can’t
Let go of those old thought patterns. Easier said than done, I know, but you must start somewhere. If you can correct one thing that consistently derails you, the second thing will be much more doable. Check yourself, stop being your own worst enemy. Ask yourself, am I being rational? Is my reaction commensurate with the situation? If the answer is ever no, you know what to do.
WARNING: THE NEXT COUPLE OF SENTENCES WILL BE LAME, BUT THEY ARE TOTALLY NECESSARY.
Your next task is to pick one person who exhibits three of the intellectual traits that you would like to have for yourself and attempt to understand how they own and embody them. After you understand how they work in their life, try to see how you can employ them in your own life with maximum effectiveness. You may mess up the first couple of times you test these skills, but the fact that you are measuring your success is an accomplishment in itself.
Artist Spotlight: The Internet including solo tracks ft. Syd
The Internet
The Internet is a coffee culture, soul R and B band from Los Angeles, California. It consists of Syd, Matt Martians, Patrick Paige II, Christopher Smith, and Steve Lacy. They have released three studio albums and three extended plays since its formation in late 2011. The band's 2015 album Ego Death was nominated for the Grammy Award for Best Urban Contemporary Album
Syd
The Internet’s Syd has shared a new solo album in its entirety and some corresponding videos. Fin, is available on iTunes and Soundcloud, as well as a variety of other free and premium locations. Syd wrote and produced Fin, which also features production from MeLo-X (who worked on Lemonade), Hit-Boy, Haze, Rahki, and the Internet’s Steve Lacy (on “All About Me”). Below, Syd’s new video, directed by Calmatic and featuring appearances from the other Internet members as well as Tyler the Creator.
Syd's perspective on the new album
In an earlier interview, Syd called the songs on Fin “not that deep.” She indicated, “This is my descent into the depth I want the band to get to". “This is like an in-between thing–maybe get a song on the radio, maybe make some money, have some new shit to do.”
Check out some of their work below
[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/embed?listType=playlist&list=PLqJ_b8IWlEQPkT0pXAxwPYgvxUgsykBrs&layout=gallery[/embedyt]