5 answers you need before you leave your job
Another year has come and gone, and like millions of others, I too have returned to the daily grind. I remember how I promised to continue to make baby steps toward financial freedom and my career goals. At 9:05 a.m., moments before the marathon conference calls begin, once more, I find myself wondering why I still work here. How long is too long to stay in the same job, and how do you know when it’s time to go?
What do you need from your job
I 'm sure I can guess what you need most from your job. Money! I know, me too. That is the first thing that comes to mind when we consider that question, but there are some other important needs that are equally important. Have you thought about why you aren’t happy with your career as it is today? Sometimes we feel like we just need a change. The desire for change is a common feeling, but have you thought about why the urge is present more often lately? The desire for change is rooted in feelings of discontent. In truth, we need to feel fulfillment in the workplace.
Contentment is a primary driver for the desire to change careers. The uncanny thing about this subtle motivator is how often we fail to fulfill this requirement. There are all sorts of reasons that people decide its time to go, as illustrated by the chart below. When we think about our mental tic boxes, those things we think our “awesome” job must have, we organize them into a hierarchy with remuneration at the top.
The average person will overlook most of their requirements if the offered salary is sufficient. While salary is important, it should not be the only controlling factor you consider in the decision. The danger in being completely salary focused is the inability to sustain job satisfaction.
What does satisfaction feel at work?
In your current job, do you feel undervalued, or like the tasks you perform do not meet your basic need for a challenge? This could be an indicator that you are due for a promotion, or that you have outgrown the demands of your current position. Can your season of discontent be repaired by moving to another department? Perhaps you only require additional training and/or credentials to transition into a job that suits you?
If you are seriously attempting to decide if it is time for you to leave your current job, these are the sort of questions that need answers to before deciding to move forward with a career adjustment. All jobs get boring occasionally, but the type of dissatisfaction that we are talking about here is the kind that is unending. Some folks dread waking up in the morning because they know that the new day will only bring more of the same.
Assuming you have decided that it's time to move on, let's consider the type of planning you will need to turn your choice into actionable items. This kind of move requires research and thought. If your ultimate career choice is vastly different from what you do currently, take the time to talk with individuals who have already done what you want to do.
Get good details
The first step in your plan is to collect information from your career pioneers. Ask them things like:
- How long did it take you to get the skills and experience needed for your current job?
- How long was it before you were comfortable with your current income?
- What kind of roadblocks did you experience during your journey?
- If you could change one thing about what you do now, what would that be?
- What was the most unexpected bi-product of your career?
I have accumulated a couple of careers during my journey. Each time I transitioned from one career to the next, I was required to have new skills and experience. Normally, big decisions scare people and keep them trapped in a job/career longer than they ever anticipated. We all want to be happy, but emotional and financial happiness often go hand in hand.
Second, you will need a road map for your finances. Any decision that will alter the state of your financial life demands that you consider two major things:
- the cost of the change
- transition time
Still deciding?
Your third step will require some imagination. Think about possible outcomes and contingencies. Try the practice scenario below.
You have been at your current job for the past 5 years and you feel like you have gone as far as you can go with the company. A new function at the same company will only produce a lateral pay increase. The new role does not allow you the autonomy and flexibility that you would need to feel satisfied with your change. You have just been offered a job with “Company X” and you want to know…Is it time to go?
- If you can negotiate terms that will not put yourself nor your family in financial jeopardy, and the “fulfillment factor’ you require is present its time to go!
- If you show up to work daily, and you can no longer imagine what it would be like to work anywhere else, you have been there too long and it’s time to go!
- If you are a spectator, meaning you feel like a powerless observer in your current job, its time to go.
Success starts with a plan
Make a list of the things that you enjoy and are good at. Decide how many “fulfillment factor” points are available. If you need more training or education, plan for it. Sign up for one class and then another. The feeling of progression boosts your motivation. Do things that bring you closer to your dream even when it feels hard or complicated.
The time to get off the comfort train is now, but don’t abruptly abandon your job for your dreams. Transitioning into poverty will hardly increase your feelings of fulfillment. If changing careers means that you are going to have to take a pay cut, may need to create backup funds cushion while you rebuild your career currency in a new field.
Be smart! Figure out your best plan for transitioning from what you do now to what you want to do and make a timeline for completion.
Enjoy the info shared here? Great! Make sure you leave your comments and questions below. It would be great to hear from you. If you have suggestions you would like to share or just a general question send me an email here.
Regg.
How to Beat Broken: Jin Has More Than a Job
Here we are again
When we last met, Jin had run into an old acquaintance. Please join Jin for his first day of work.
'Jin, is that you?
It was the last time I checked, but who may I ask are you?
Jin exuded an air of unfamiliarity that his old acquaintance found shocking. It was his natural inclination to repel anyone who attempted a sense of familiarity with him based on the assumption that they shared a past.
‘Oh! Is that the way it goes these days? You knew exactly who I was when I used to keep you from getting your ass kicked on the way home from school. I guess short-term memory is the first thing to go. It’s Sandra! You know Sandra Allen, your first kiss, your first girlfriend, your first bodyguard, hell your first everything. The gall of your acting as if you don't recognize me is nothing short of disrespectful. I mean, you look good, but you will never look that good dear.’
For a moment, Jin thought of the best way to handle this misstep. It was far too early in the morning for a verbal altercation, and his mind was still focused on the great impression he wanted to make on his first day. Most of all, Jin took notice of Sandra’s bulky physique, the one she had developed long before the rest of the boys in school and one that looked as if she would still be able to rip him to pieces at her whim.
‘Listen, Sandra, my focus was on getting here on time and finding my destination. You see, today is my first in this building. Please excuse my lapse in recognition, after all, it has been at least 7 years since I saw you last.’
‘Speaking of when you saw me last, Lil Jinny, remember how everyone would call you that? How funny! Like I was saying when you saw me last, do you remember that? We never had a pretty important discussion. You know I would…’
Knowing full well what the next words from her mouth would be, Jin interrupted Sandra before she could finish.
‘Sandra, it was nice to see you again, and I hate to be rude, but I really need to get upstairs. I am doing my best not to be late for my first day of work, and this makeshift reunion is very ill-timed. Perhaps we will run into each other again soon and pick this up then.’
Before she could respond, he was walking away at a pace that dared her to follow him.
The last thing I want this morning is converse with Sandra fucking Allen. I mean really, who could forget that monster? I can’t believe she thought it would be cute to strike up a conversation about old times at 830 a.m. I have to put Sandra and her foolery out of my mind and focus on my working my magic. It’s time to shine baby!
As Jin neared the elevator bank, he scanned the directory hanging on the wall. He quickly located Frontier Publishing on the 32nd floor, selected the button to go up and scrambled into the elevator as fashionably and as quickly as possible. When the floor indicator bell chimed, he exited the lift into an elegant hall, lined with black marble and chrome finishes. The floor to ceiling doors gave the kind of majestic appeal designed to empress the dignity and lineage of the establishment on its visitors. Jin instantly felt like this was where he belonged.
Now, this is what I'm talking about. This is the kind of place that fits one such as myself. The decor could be updated, but all in all, I think that this will do nicely.
‘Hello sir, how can I help you?’
A tall thin man, who appeared to spend very little time outdoors, asked as Jin entered the waiting area.
‘That depends’, Jin said, ‘you part of my welcoming committee? I’m Jin D. Darwin, pleased to meet you. Please let everyone know that I have arrived so that we can start the tour of the office and my day, thank you’.
‘Oh, is that what I should do? I should let everyone know that you have arrived? Well, you just let me get right on that, I am sure that they have all been waiting with bated breath for your arrival. I’m Paul, please take a seat in one of the chairs in the waiting area, and I will gather the parade’.
Paul gave a wry smile as he got up from his desk. Filled with antagonistic glee, he made an about-face and glided swiftly down the hall to let Bayne, Jin’s new boss, know that he had arrived.
‘Bayne, your new star is in the waiting area expecting a full brass band to greet him and give him a tour of the office. I sincerely hope he has the matching talent to accompany his obviously aggrandized opinion of himself. I for one doubt it very seriously, but I am definitely here for the show.’
‘Thank you, Paul, will you let him know I will be there in the next five minutes,’ Bayne said without ever lifting his eyes from the monitor.
‘Oh gladly! I will let his majesty know it will be a few minutes, and that the parade was canceled.’
‘Mr. Darwin, Bayne will be with you momentarily, it will just be Bayne coming to see you. He and he alone will be the only one meeting with you this morning, except the regularly scheduled staff meeting at nine-thirty’.
‘Oh! Well, I guess I will wait here then’.
‘I suppose you will,' Paul chuckled to himself.
After 30 minutes, Bayne arrived at the waiting area to receive Jin. ‘Jin, it's nice to see you again, walk with me and I will show you where you can set up shop. We have a very friendly environment here and we pride ourselves on our uniquely synergistic mentality. You will learn very quickly that we are very big on cooperative teamwork here.’ Bayne continued to give Jin the standard “new employee” speech without pausing for a response.
Surely he knows that I have heard all this before. I am definitely all about teamwork, thought Jin, team me.
‘Here is were your desk, Jin. Feel free to drop off anything you do not want to carry around, during our walk-through, we are going to gather in the conference room to have a short staff meeting’.
‘Sure, I will just leave my valise here and we can see what else you have in store for me’.
Jin and Bayne toured the aisles, observing all the important locations and facilities he would need in the future. They visited the employees that Bayne thought would be most helpful with Jin’s transition onto the team.
‘Last stop, conference room. Go on in and take a seat, Jin. I am going to run to my desk to grab my agenda for the meeting before we begin’.
‘Thanks, Bayne, the tour was very informative, despite it’s being small and informal. I just need to run to the gentlemen's room, before the meeting begins’.
‘Sure, just meet me back here so that we can begin on time. There are some important things that I would like to cover, and I want to begin as promptly as possible’.
Jin gave Bayne a sardonic nod, and a smile that ended so abruptly it was more like punctuation than a polite gesture. He spun around on his heels and walked away briskly in one sweeping motion. By the time he returned from the restroom, the conference room had filled with all its attendees. Jin entered the room with his head held high as if it were full of adoring fans.
‘Good morning everyone, I’m Jin Darwin, it is very nice to meet you all. If you have any questions for me after the meeting, I will be happy to take a few moments to answer them’.
Just as the last few syllables left his lips, and the room began to fill with the low murmur of shock and laughter, Jin’s eyes landed on a familiar face. He saw a face that did not fill him with comfort, rather a familiar feeling of dread and nervousness encompassed him from head to toe.
What the fuck kind of shit show is this? Why is Sandra here? Is she following me? I didn't see her get on the elevators? This is impossible, why haven't they kicked her out of here? Just my fucking luck the only open chair in here is next to “San the Man”. That’s right I remember your ass. Girlfriend, hmph, you were a damn bully, and damned near a rapist is what you are!
Trying to hide his terror, and any indication that he knew Sandra, he took his seat. Childishly he rolled his chair as far away from her as he could without drawing attention to himself. This proved to be in vain. Sandra rolled her chair toward his in a silent effort to antagonize her new toy.
‘Listen, Jin,’ Sandra whispered as Bayne droned on about goals for the week, ‘there are a couple of ways we can do this. Just know that all the ways are mine. As a matter of fact, I want you to hear me well and remember what I have said. I know who and what you are, and I know how you got here. This will be fun’.
Can you have goals and be happy?
Invaluable Lessons
So many of us hurry through life at a pace that is unsustainable. We rush through our jobs, our relationships, and as a result, through our life lessons. I learned a very valuable lesson this week. In fact, I have learned this lesson for the past 6 years, but I was too blind to recognize it. We do our best to thrive in an environment that is constantly pushing us to do better, know more and accomplish more, faster. We ingest these messages while trying to integrate them into our own aspirations. Today, now, in this moment, remind yourself that your gratitude does not erase your ambition.
We have discussed my occupation before, but if you don’t remember, one of my jobs is teaching English at the local college. Despite, trying to get a full-time role, I have been unsuccessful. I love anything communications or writing. I have dreams that seem to be withering on the vine, yet I persist in pursuing them. During the past few months, I have submitted what seems like a mountain of CV’s to the colleges near me. Some have not replied, but the ones that have replied with a resounding nope! Usually, I try to take rejection in stride, this week I just didn’t have it.
I shared my latest “news” with a friend. I was unusually uncomfortable talking about my troubles, which shocked me because I am very close to this friend. Even though I have shared information that was much more personal with her. I found it difficult to articulate what I was feeling. Have you ever experienced guilt over your dissatisfaction with your success? I insist that I am thankful for everything that I have. I would not dream of complaining about my life overall. Being grateful does not equal perpetual happiness.
“I think it’s unfortunate that these two things – gratitude vs. feeling you have no right to voice concern about something – are coupled together. It probably goes back to childhood and some misguided adult saying, “You need to count your blessings young woman. You have no right to complain!”
I thought of all the people who have so much less than I. Several times, I thought of all the days that I wished for the type of job that I have now. Memories of dread from working a job I hated encased me, and further deepened my guilt. My current job isn’t awful, some of the people are, but the job is fine. This job just isn’t my dream.
This friend shared something that I will carry with me from now on. “Its OK for you to want your dream, it's even OK for your dream to change. If what you feel is authentic, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. Have your moment, just don’t stay there”. Thank you for that.
Take this moment to think about a couple of things the next time you struggle with owning your disappointment.
- Make a list of potential fixes, things that will move you closer to your goals.
- Create a realistic transitory timeline.
- Work on your goals more than you talk about them.
- You can keep the spirit of gratitude and pursue your dreams.
[bctt tweet="Goals and grateful are not mutually exclusive." username="wwregg"]
With each article we hope that some value is added to your life. Tell me what you think below!
Ask Anything: How can I heal
Ask Anything: Does it get to a narcissist that you don't beg, grovel and stalk them to fix the relationship even though they are the one that discarded you?
In my situation with my Ex Narcissist, While living with the him my boyfriend dumped me for someone else. I knew all along that there was someone else but he was real good at hiding it so I couldn't bring it up to him with no proof. One weekend was different though than any other. He was a lot more demeaning to me, cold and callous, and just plain horrible. We were going to his softball’s teams BBQ and when we stopped at the liquor store he didn't even ask me if I wanted anything before he went in.
I was the only one in the car he didn't ask too. He had done that before but not in front of a car full of people. He totally ignored me the entire day. Rolled his eyes if I asked him a question making it seem like I was a burden for being there. He asked me if I wanted to leave the BBQ early so I could go home and not sleep over his place that night. I wound up sleeping over and he asked me to pack and be ready early so he could drop me off at my car. He didn't say anything else to me that night but he went right to bed. The next morning he drove me to my car, gave me my bags and when I went to kiss him goodbye ( we always kissed goodbye), he turned his face and made this disgusted face like I was the grossest thing in the world and said “"See ya” to me and drove away.
So you care?
By now you have discovered the truth, you were never really in a relationship. That is to say, you were in a relationship, but only the one that existed in your mind. In the great words of Lady Mae (Lynn Whitfield / Greanleaf):
You were dating a void where a person should have been.
Your boyfriend was really just a mannequin you showered with affection and attention. Sort of like those dolls that you put in the car so you can ride in the HOV lane, even when you are in the car alone.
Maintaining a relationship with a narcissist is grueling. These people are the black-hole of human beings. Anything you pour in will vanish never to be seen or heard from again. Like many of you, I have experience in this department.
First, consider the type of narcissist you are dealing with. Most people think they are dealing with a certified narcissist, but they really have a person who exhibits narcissistic tendencies. Here is how you can measure.
[bctt tweet="You were dating a void where a person should have been" username="wwregg"]
9 Traits of a narcissist
- Grandiosity – This is an unrealistic view of oneself. They think they are bigger than life and better than others.
- Arrogant and Domineering – They know more than anyone else. Controlling of others and dominating.
- Preoccupation with Success and Power- No explanation required.
- Lack of empathy – an inability to care about the feelings of others.
- Belief of being unique – they see themselves as very different than other people, like there is only no comparison.
- Sense of entitlement – They believe they have a right to anything and everything that they want without question. Including taking over the lives, property and time of others.
- Requires excessive admiration – They want to be adored and showered with adulation without fail. They have no tolerance for anyone else to receive the spotlight.
- Exploitative – They take advantage of other people for their own best interest. They take more than they give, and refuse to pay people for their services in a fair way …if at all.
- Envious of others – They are resentful when other people have things that they feel entitled to. They become angry when they see that other people have things that they do not.
If the person in your life exhibits more than half of these traits its time to get professional help, or bounce. Those are your only two options, no wiggle room.
Do this⬇️
Run! Physically get away, and stay away from this person. I realize you wrote in with a single question. You are, however, asking the wrong question. Cease caring what bothers them, they do not care one iota about what bothers or annoys you. Think about how to resurrect normalcy in your life. Odds are, after dealing with this person, there is residual survival tendencies and coping mechanisms in place. Those oddities are going to cause problems in your next relationship, should you choose to pursue another.
This is not a time for reflection or nostalgia. Your question, is an investigative one. You want to attribute blame, and understand how they process your behavior.
The salient issue is how you process your own behavior. Work towards understanding why you allowed yourself to carry on a relationship with a person who was incapable of giving you what you needed to be whole and healthy. Relationships of circumstance, like those of parents or siblings, are very different than chosen relationships. When you partner with someone you choose to live with their crazy. You should investigate your state of mind and heal!
Regg
How to Beat Broken: Lauren
Welcome home
Lauren Selma Burke was a 55-year-old woman with a medium complexion, short-cropped hair that denied anyone the privilege of guessing her age, and a body reminiscent of her thirties. She, much like her son Jin, was the type of woman who commanded and demanded attention. Lauren, better known as Selma to her handful of remaining friends, finally landed the bank account of her dreams irrespective of sentiment.
Jin, it’s me, I know you saw me calling you. You don’t know if I’m sick or what lawd! I could be on the floor writhing in pain, or worse.
See, this is how your kids do you when they grow up.
If you only knew what I have gone through for you, you would be willing to crawl over hot coals to answer the phone when I called, even if I didn’t want anything special. Well anyway, when you hear this message call your momma, I want to know if you can come over here and help me with this computer, bye.
This type of interaction is the typical dynamic between Jin and his mother. Lauren craves control, and when she feels the smallest bit of control beginning to escape her grasp she immediately panics. After leaving a message for Jin, she decided that it would be best that she go ahead and get her day started.
Royce! I know you hear me calling you!
What is wrong with these people today? It’s like they want to force me act ugly. This is what happens when you get your spiritual life in order, the devil comes to test you at every turn.
Royce! You want me to make you something to eat? Stop making me shout up these stairs, and get down here and have some breakfast. You have time to have an egg before you go.
Lauren, quite pleased with herself crossed the freshly waxed marble floor in her newly minted custom kitchen. Royce, her latest husband, had built a life that was quite comfortable for the two of them. Lauren removed a previously boiled egg from its cellophane wrapper, sliced it in half, and placed it onto a saucer. She then quickly toasted a couple sliced of bread, prior to coating them with a generous portion of the “special” butter that Royce required for his hypertension.
Royce entered the kitchen and had a seat at the table in front of the heart-healthy breakfast that Lauren prepared.
Lauren on patrol
Thank you for breakfast hon, Royce said as he sipped the black coffee found to the left of his plate. What do you plan to do with yourself today? Are you going to do your cardio circuit with the girls?
No, not today, Arlene had to go to court for that courtesy clerk that she nipped with her bumper last week. Savannah is taking her mother to dialysis, they had to reschedule her mom’s normal appointment time. Can you believe that the both didn’t bother to call and tell me that they were not able to go walking until last night? People are so disrespectful. You know that’s how people can be sometimes, but I didn’t say anything. I just told them both that they could have let me know sooner. I had already ironed my tracksuit and everything.
Anyway, I think I will just go down to the Penny’s. The last time I was there a really nice young woman was there, and she is holding a towel set for me. It was the last one, and it was on sale. Royce! Did you hear me say it was on sale?
Yes, doll I heard you. That’s good. I can’t believe it. What will you do after that? Have you heard from Jin?
In fact, Royce had not heard anything that Lauren said. Royce learned very early if he were to have any chance at happiness and remaining uninjured, his obedience and attention were both primary.
I called him this morning, but you know he didn’t answer. What’s wrong with that boy? I have done all I can to give him a happy life. Now he’s got this little piece of job, he is so busy. I will call him again this evening and give him a piece of my mind.
Oh, that will be nice. Well, it’s about time for me to head out. I will see you this evening, and I hope you have a good day.
Royce placed a sweet kiss on Lauren’s face and exited through the garage door at the rear of the kitchen.
Lauren, still proud of her morning’s performance as a wife, left the table. She decided to head upstairs to dress and start her daily routine of shopping and plotting. On her way to her private dressing room, she stopped to admire the ornately designed interior of her home.
It’s amazing how beautiful this house is. To think that I decorated it all myself! No wonder the ladies at the church always giving me a little side eye during the offering, they know they can’t compete. I just pray that the Lord will heal their jealous hearts.
If you are enjoying the character excerpts, be sure and let me know in the comments below. Keep coming back for more!
Regg
How to Beat Broken: Jin
Good Morning
Jin awoke to the smell of last night. Every one of his muscles sore, with remnants tension making, is morning stretch more tenuous than normal. The aroma of stale pleasure brought a smile to his face instantly and made it slightly more difficult to rouse himself from the bed. The memories imprinted on his mind made the soreness worthwhile. While attempting to separate his lips, which had been sealed previously with the residue of yesterday, the banter of “Fox Good Day's Lauren and Tim," alerts him.
Damn, I slept through my alarm, I am going to have to cut my routine short this morning. I need to hurry because this new job will be my ticket to do everything I have planned. Shit, they better be fine with whatever time I get there. Although, it would be nice to be on time for my first day at a minimum. Seriously, the folks at Frontier Publishers are so lucky to have me.
I will show them how young and fresh talent can reinvigorate the dusty annals of a stale publishing firm. They should realize that, between my looks and my skills, they hired me for a steal. Ha! I shouldn't think things like that. I know it's true, but I have to show them I'm a marketing beast first. Besides, I may accidentally say them out loud. It finally seems like things are falling into place for me. Even though I dread being so close to the "parentals”, moving home to Texas should be good for my career.
As he hurried to the shower, Jin realized that the excessive buzzing of all the missed calls caused his phone to work its way onto the floor.
Damn, how many calls have I missed? All of these calls are from Leo! “The old man” has really been beating the "I'm your dad" drum lately, Jin thought, as he looked at 6 missed calls from his father. I don’t want to hear anything he has to say unless he has that $200 I asked him for. Why does he keep calling? He will either give it to me or he won't, that's really what it is Leo.
Jin always had the tendency to call his father by his first name, more-so when he felt especially disconnected from their relationship.
This small loan is a simple test he should pass. It’s evident that Leo doesn't know me at all. I would never depend on a man who is too afraid to live independently, or raise a family he created, to make sure my car is maintained. Hell, I don’t even really want or need the money. I want to know what his intentions are more than anything else.
If I can’t depend on you for a simple favor, you can’t exist in my world as anything more than an acquaintance. I have no interest in playing family with you, I forget her name at the moment and her family. Not to mention she doesn't like me anyway. I hope she knows the feeling is mutual.
If you really want to make amends, start by explaining where the hell you were while I was struggling to pay tuition. Those boxes of ramen don't count as support bruh. Honestly, this is just the latest in a long succession of attempts to assuage his guilt. I am 25 years old, and I don’t need a father, look at me. I am the picture of potential and perfection, he said while admiring his espresso complexion in the mirror.
On my way
Jin exited the shower, dried, dressed, and was out the door within 20 minutes. The convenience of his uptown apartment made his commute convenient while making it inconvenient for him to receive unwanted company. He enjoyed the proximity to old friends and old hangouts but despised the new access his parents to visit him on a whim. As he began the six block commute to his new office, feelings of excitement began to brew. While prematurely patting himself on the back for his impending success, he admired the reflection of his 5ft 9in frame in each mirrored high-rise he passed. The cut of his suit, the trail of Creed’s Royal Mayfair, and the sound of his Magnani loafers as they assaulted the pavement in quick succession alerted everyone he passed, that he was neither shy or subtle.
I worked hard for this body, and if this week goes well I will play hard. Who am I kidding? I am going to play hard regardless. After all, it’s my public duty to give the public access to my personal monument.
While approaching the building he felt the vibration of his phone in the breast pocket of his favorite slim cut blazer. He removed the phone from his pocket to see Lauren, his mother, was calling.
As usual, my mother is calling at the worst possible time. Guess who doesn't have time or patience for another one of her episodes, it's me. I will just have to endure “Guiltfest / Pity-party 2016” when I call her back this evening. I wonder how much money she will ask for.
Upon entering the building, Jin heard a voice beckoning to him from across the lobby. At first, he thought it was a mistake, but when he turned around, there was no mistaking the shape and the sashay quickly approaching him. Jin is that you??
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How to Beat Broken: Leo
Leo
My son is 25 now. It seems like I think of him at the same time every day and thankfully, I talk to him more often than I ever thought possible. His new job starts in the afternoon, and I find myself waiting for his calls, for any sign that he needs me. I still remember the look of disappointment in his eyes the last day.
The distance between us seems to be decreasing, but I’m not sure if it’s real. I am hoping that he really has forgiven me and that I am not exposing myself to another failed relationship. I have to try this if there is any chance that he will let me be part of his life now. Sure, he only calls when he needs $20 dollars for gas, or help with car repairs, but that’s what dads are for, right?
In fact, it’s a miracle that’s he calls at all, considering the things his mother has probably told him about me. She always did have a foul mouth and worse attitude. I know what she said to some of our friends, so their conversations can’t have been better.
I was a decent husband, I mean, who hasn’t had a few “indiscretions” right? I’m a great dad, contrary to popular opinion. I was there when it mattered, came home every night and worked my ass off. Never did I complain about the constant fatigue from a job I hated, or that his mother spent more of my check on hair extensions than she did on bills. We had food, a place to live, and we usually kept the car payment from being more than 45 days past due.
I wonder exactly how much he knows.
Fuck it, he doesn’t know my version, I was the one making everything work. That’s not what matters now. Now, I need to figure out how to show him love without digging up the past.
I kind of got it wrong with the first two kids, but I really tried with this one. I don’t even want to think about those first two baby mammas. This time he will know that from here on out, I’m here for him no matter what. We don’t have to discuss that childhood stuff besides, all that other stuff is my business.
I want to help him out, but $200? That sure is a lot to repair such a small car. I know Jin needs the help, but there have to be other options. I’m trying not to complain; my son needs me. Damn, it hurts to give up these extra coins though. I still have to look good and keep this cut fresh, but I don’t want him to think I don’t care.
The real problem is the child support kicking my ass but that’s not my son’s fault. I’ll just get one outfit and one pair shoes this time, then ole girl at work will kick me some extra change if I do it right. That should leave me with enough cash to loan and enough to last me until next payday.
Next time I’ll just text him, find out what the ask is first, then if I have the money, cool. If not, I’ll tell him I’m in a meeting and text him back when I get the dough.
That’s it. Damn, I’m good.
The excerpt that you have just read is our new upcoming series How to Beat Broken. You just met Leo, an estranged father, attempting to figure out the mess he calls a life. Join me over the coming weeks as we reveal more of this gripping story, and unveil more of the engaging and familiar characters to you.
Regg
What's Changed
The 1970s and 80s
The time in Britain of the emergence of Queen, Genesis, Dire Straits and Pink Floyd
They must put out quality music and equally be good on stage to pay their wages. The 80s would also see the emergence of Duran Duran, Bon Jovi and Guns and Roses. Now, ask yourself the question, where are the band’s and groups that emerged in the 90's? We all know the names of the Beatles, but then Stock Aitken and Waterman emerge with their throw away pop, they offer the start of the X Factor generation that paid one million pound contracts. Should they fall like Steve Brookstein, that’s just small change.
The 90s into 2000+ sees the rise of one-hit wonders such as 2 unlimited or Chesney Hawks but the music history won't remember their name. In the UK, I can struggle to list any artists who have any real longevity
- Robbie Williams
- Take That
- Oasis
To be honest, in 5 minutes they were all I could think of, but then when we go back to the eighties and before
- Madonna
- Kylie
- Queen
- The rolling stones
- Bon Jovi
- Billy Joel
- Tears for fears
Need I go on?
Today’s artists are guaranteed their wage regardless, they do not have to care for their audience as the artists before the X Factor generation. You cannot blame the Simon Cowell’s of this world, as they only supply what we want. Whether or not the X Factor winner is a success matters little. Next, you have the group phenomenon, the group becomes successful, say Boyzone, but after a few years, they split and the likes of Ronan have a solo career. The phrase kerching comes to mind.
Another thing of note, in the UK at least why are the bands of the eighties emerging such as tears for fears and even Chic having large Radio backed gigs.
I leave you with a question, who’s fault is all of this, the likes of Stock Aitken and Waterman, or us for lapping up whatever they throw at us?
Mighty Lark
Mighty Lark
Mike Lewis
Mike Lewis, (AKA The Mighty Lark,) began painting, drawing and illustrating professionally in the summer of 2003. He holds a BFA in Illustration from Syracuse University and an MFA in Studio Arts from Maine College of Art..
The Mighty Lark's work has appeared in magazines, coloring books, zines, and journals as well as on logos, t-shirts, phone cases, and tote bags. He has taught 2D Design, Digital Foundations and Illustration at Southern Maine Community College since January of 2013.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=In16H9J72HY
Sketches
Mike's whimsical sketches are both fantasy and reality. His sketches have both a cartoon and photorealistic quality. Check out the self-portrait here.
Mandalas
Mike became obsessed with the idea of spinning drawings, images seen through kaleidoscopes and the way that recreation of an object blurs, like a visual game of telephone. As the drawing is shaded multiple times, each individual item is the same, but different.
A Gentleness Practice
"John," the first piece in his new series of Sud Busters. He is in love with the subject matter and the colors. "I was able to really paint and get lost in the environment. The making was a success, and the time that it took to finish it just sort of appeared here and there in and about the space in the timeline of my life".
Mike lives and works in Portland, Maine with his wife, Courtney, his son, Austin, and their two cats Jasper Johns and Momo. He is found either at his studio in the State Theater building or at home with a cat or toddler in his lap or working at his drafting table. A native Northern New Yorker, Lewis is the son of a Forest Ranger and a substitute school teacher. Mighty Lark is an avid reader and a prolific audiophile.
I'm Too Young To Be A Grandparent
Grandparent at 47 - What Would You Do?
Some people are becoming grandparents in their late 40s. If you are in your 30s now, can you imagine being a grandparent in the next 10 years?
While working six days a week and running a business, at the age of 47 I became a grandparent. To be honest I didn’t have time to be a fully present grandparent. As the sole operator of a business, I took calls 24/7 and was responsible for the day-to-day management of the business, the clients and other services it offered.
I was also single then, and my lifestyle didn’t fit my preconceived image of what a grandmother was.
Hell, I didn’t knit, bake, and I didn’t even know how to tie my hair up in a bun!
I spent most of my time in jeans and boots, training dogs.
What kind of grandparent was I supposed to be?
What Do Today’s Grandparents Look Like?
In the back of my mind these questions began to creep in:
- What was I supposed to do?
- Where did I fit in?
- Would I be expected to babysit?
- Cripes! Would I have to change a nappy! I hadn’t done that for 25 years, and I wasn’t sure I knew how to anymore.
- What would this new human being think of me? Would I disappoint him? Would he even like me?
- Should I try to force him to like me? How did one do that? With gifts or candy?
- No, that seemed fake. I had to discover a new way.
- Oh, boy! It did my head in!
Where Were My Role Models?
My parents were still alive and quite healthy when I became a grandparent. They lived thousands of miles away and weren’t much support at all. What I wanted was someone to tell me what to do, and what to think. Sadly, that wasn’t going to happen.
In my circle of friends, there were some other grandparents, but they were older than I was. They smiled and nodded when I tried to talk to them about what I was feeling. On reflection, I think they probably thought I was worrying about nothing.
The Changing Role of Grandparents
I was born in the early 1960s. My grandparents had been born in the early 1900s. I can’t even imagine what their lives must have been like. On my mother’s side, my grandparents had a limited education. They could read and write, but life was a struggle. From stories I have heard, money was scarce, and children were a necessary burden that complicated and messed lives up.
My paternal grandmother was better off financially. However, her life more difficult when she separated from her husband. I don’t think they divorced, but when she returned to England with the children he stayed in South Africa. As far as I know, they never saw each other again, and my grandfather died over there from health complications in his mid 40’s.
Before I was born my grandfathers had both passed and I met both my grandmothers only a handful of times. These rather strange and distant women were aloof, and I was a bit scared of them. They didn’t attempt to relate to me at all.
When we immigrated to Australia in the 1970’s I was never to see them or have contact with them again. I have a photo of my paternal grandmother taken on her 90th birthday, but nothing else.
What I have realized
Today I feel these people, whom I owe my genes and history to, are as remote and distant to me as the strangers I pass on the street. I know who they were, but I don’t know them. They don’t know me because I wasn’t a part of their lives.
I didn’t want this to continue. Never in the history of the world have grandparents had so many opportunities. Our age, gender or social status does not define us. We have access to the internet, we are fitter, stronger and wealthier than any other generation of grandparents in the history of the world.
I don’t know about other young grandparents reading this, but I’m going to use these things and more to create better relationships with my grandkids than I experienced. I think we all deserve it.
About Susan Day
Susan Day is a passionate author, avid blogger and, of course, a grandmother. She wants to empower all grandparents to build meaningful relationships with their grandchildren. Discover here the Top 10 Things Happy Grandparents Never Regret Doing.
Susan lives in country Australia with four dogs, three bossy cats, three rescue guinea pigs, and an errant kangaroo.
You Don't Need An Apology To Heal
How do you forgive someone who never apologized for hurting you and closed the communication?
I had a friend betray me years back. We had been friends with for 16 years. They never apologized, and it really hurt. I need to forgive them for my health, but I can't. It seems like I am really having an issue moving on. Should I confront them about their inability to give a damn about my feelings?
Decisions
Ask yourself three things.
- If you were to receive the coveted apology you desire, what would change for you?
- Do you have the capacity to recognize the motive behind the action?
- Can you be ok with never speaking to this person again?
Granted, the questions above are not easy to answer, and you may need to let them sit in your spirit for a bit before you come to an answer.
Answer
What exactly will an apology will do for you. I have learned many things during my time as king of the dinosaurs. One, words only have the power you give them. Two, you have some growing to do as an individual. Life is full of people who do things and could not give less of a f$%k how you feel. The resolution to this situation lies with you. If you can forgive your friend, express your discomfort in a non-confrontational way and get the hell over it. People like to have a warm and fuzzy answers but that just isn't reality.
If you determine your friend has done something unforgivable, and I suspect they have, then it’s time to salvage whats left of your pride. Forgive yourself. Why, for allowing yourself to become emotionally invested in a non-reciprocal relationship. We have all been there, this is not an indictment of your character, but you have nursed this wound long enough.
The WWR family will have plenty to share on this one, but fear not, they will not all agree with me. What say, you people?! Leave your comments below.
If you have questions and would like to partake of my sage wisdom, come through, I have an answer.
Regg