I'm Too Young To Be A Grandparent

Grandparent at 47 - What Would You Do?

Some people are becoming grandparents in their late 40s. If you are in your 30s now, can you imagine being a grandparent in the next 10 years?

While working six days a week and running a business, at the age of 47 I became a grandparent. To be honest I didn’t have time to be a fully present grandparent. As the sole operator of a business, I took calls 24/7 and was responsible for the day-to-day management of the business, the clients and other services it offered.

I was also single then, and my lifestyle didn’t fit my preconceived image of what a grandmother was.

Hell, I didn’t knit, bake, and I didn’t even know how to tie my hair up in a bun!

I spent most of my time in jeans and boots, training dogs.

What kind of grandparent was I supposed to be?

What Do Today’s Grandparents Look Like?

In the back of my mind these questions began to creep in:

  • What was I supposed to do?
  • Where did I fit in?
  • Would I be expected to babysit?
  • Cripes! Would I have to change a nappy! I hadn’t done that for 25 years, and I wasn’t sure I knew how to anymore.
  • What would this new human being think of me? Would I disappoint him? Would he even like me?
  • Should I try to force him to like me? How did one do that? With gifts or candy?
  • No, that seemed fake. I had to discover a new way.
  • Oh, boy! It did my head in!

Where Were My Role Models?

My parents were still alive and quite healthy when I became a grandparent. They lived thousands of miles away and weren’t much support at all. What I wanted was someone to tell me what to do, and what to think. Sadly, that wasn’t going to happen.

In my circle of friends, there were some other grandparents, but they were older than I was. They smiled and nodded when I tried to talk to them about what I was feeling. On reflection, I think they probably thought I was worrying about nothing.

The Changing Role of Grandparents

I was born in the early 1960s. My grandparents had been born in the early 1900s. I can’t even imagine what their lives must have been like. On my mother’s side, my grandparents had a limited education. They could read and write, but life was a struggle. From stories I have heard, money was scarce, and children were a necessary burden that complicated and messed lives up.

My paternal grandmother was better off financially. However, her life more difficult when she separated from her husband. I don’t think they divorced, but when she returned to England with the children he stayed in South Africa. As far as I know, they never saw each other again, and my grandfather died over there from health complications in his mid 40’s.

Before I was born my grandfathers had both passed and I met both my grandmothers only a handful of times. These rather strange and distant women were aloof, and I was a bit scared of them. They didn’t attempt to relate to me at all.

When we immigrated to Australia in the 1970’s I was never to see them or have contact with them again. I have a photo of my paternal grandmother taken on her 90th birthday, but nothing else.

What I have realized

Today I feel these people, whom I owe my genes and history to, are as remote and distant to me as the strangers I pass on the street. I know who they were, but I don’t know them. They don’t know me because I wasn’t a part of their lives.

I didn’t want this to continue. Never in the history of the world have grandparents had so many opportunities. Our age, gender or social status does not define us. We have access to the internet, we are fitter, stronger and wealthier than any other generation of grandparents in the history of the world.

I don’t know about other young grandparents reading this, but I’m going to use these things and more to create better relationships with my grandkids than I experienced. I think we all deserve it.

About Susan Day

GrandmaSusan Day is a passionate author, avid blogger and, of course, a grandmother. She wants to empower all grandparents to build meaningful relationships with their grandchildren. Discover here the Top 10 Things Happy Grandparents Never Regret Doing.

Susan lives in country Australia with four dogs, three bossy cats, three rescue guinea pigs, and an errant kangaroo.

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You Don't Need An Apology To Heal

How do you forgive someone who never apologized for hurting you and closed the communication?

I had a friend betray me years back. We had been friends with for 16  years. They never apologized, and it really hurt. I need to forgive them for my health, but I can't. It seems like I am really having an issue moving on.  Should I confront them about their inability to give a damn about my feelings?

Decisions

Ask yourself three things.

  1. If you were to receive the coveted apology you desire, what would change for you?
  2. Do you have the capacity to recognize the motive behind the action?
  3. Can you be ok with never speaking to this person again?

Granted, the questions above are not easy to answer, and you may need to let them sit in your spirit for a bit before you come to an answer.

Answer

What exactly will an apology will do for you.  I have learned many things during my time as king of the dinosaurs.  One, words only have the power you give them. Two, you have some growing to do as an individual. Life is full of people who do things and could not give less of a f$%k how you feel.  The resolution to this situation lies with you. If you can forgive your friend, express your discomfort in a non-confrontational way and get the hell over it.  People like to have a warm and fuzzy answers but that just isn't reality.

If you determine your friend has done something unforgivable, and I suspect they have, then it’s time to salvage whats left of your pride.  Forgive yourself. Why, for allowing yourself to become emotionally invested in a non-reciprocal relationship.  We have all been there, this is not an indictment of your character, but you have nursed this wound long enough.

The WWR family will have plenty to share on this one, but fear not, they will not all agree with me. What say, you people?! Leave your comments below.

If you have questions and would like to partake of my sage wisdom, come through, I have an answer.

Regg

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It's Time to Give Up Your Reasonable Excuses

Insert excuse here

This evening I was sitting on my sofa, getting ready to catch up on the latest episode of "Ray Donovan". This season has been sad, so I watch it while I am in a good mood. My phone rings, and it’s a friend who has tried to work through a plan to make life a little less awful. I prepare myself for what I know will be emotionally demanding, and perhaps deplete my limited patience. Excuses sound reasonable because they give us what we need in times of complacency and fear, but what are we afraid of.

How it started.

Like normal, he starts out talking about work. Here we go. “When I get two more raises, I'll be able to focus on me. Then I will be able to get back in the gym, if I lose 25 pounds then it will be easier to be in a relationship”. He has "been losing" the same 25 pounds for the 5 years we have been friends.

Not to judge, it's hard, but knowing what I know about him, this is the latest effort to remain stagnant without feeling guilty about it. Most, if not all his excuses sound legit and feel real. Whenever we finish talking, I always ask myself why? Why do some people insist on standing in their own way? I think that some of this even applies to me, even though I don't make calls to announce my doubts to others, I do use stall tactics.

Consider some of the things below, if this sounds like you, it's time to implement some changes in your life.

Fear of failing

Never be afraid of failing. Believe me, I know it's far easier to say than following through with. The best thing you can do for yourself is to decide what it is you are trying to accomplish, and take it all the way. I am as guilty as the next guy, of trying to make sure that my perfect planned results become reality, despite having no control. Imagine that. Think of the willingness to admit that you have no control of the outcome of your efforts, all the while you are still willing to try. Allow yourself the room to grow and change, and fuck up if that’s what happens. Better to fail, than to be ignorant of your true ability.

Comfortable with "right now"

I know what it feels like to be comfortable with what you know. It's so scary to put your “right now” in jeopardy for what could be. It also seems like the more we age, the less we are willing to make some of the changes that are necessary for us to continue to evolve.

Just the other day, I was saying to another friend, how I would love to do exactly what I went to school to do. At the same time, I don’t feel like it is fair for me to elevate my dreams to a level of importance that supersedes that of my children’s sense of stability.

What that means in my life, is some of the things that I envision for myself must wait until they have launched. Is that an excuse not to change my “right now”? Of course, it is, I know what to expect today, and my unwillingness to change, even though the reason is substantive, does not mean that I can't change and grow. Plenty of people change careers while their kids are at home, you just have to plan and execute appropriately.

Think about where you are "right now". Decide if your “right now” is on the path toward the future you see for yourself. Don’t be afraid to decide that what you thought you wanted is no longer what you really want.


When I am feeling complacent and reluctant to pursue my dreams, this always helps me:

[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElJjpxW8WfU[/embedyt]

Today is ours, let's live it.

And love is strong, let's give it.

A song can help, let's sing it.

And peace is dear, let's bring it.

The past is gone, don't rue it.

Our work is here, let's do it.

The world is wrong, let's right it.

The battle is hard, let's fight it.

The road is rough, let's clear it.

The future vast, don't fear it.

Is faith asleep? Let's wake it.

Because today is ours, let's take it.

B. Richards

 

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What This Professor Thinks about Blogging: Other Conversational Topics

What This Professor Thinks about Blogging

Thank you so much to those of you who frequent my site regularly.  So far, I have talked about a variety of things and topics.  I have been very fortunate in my writing journey thus far, and most recently was no exception. Want to know what this professor thinks?

Crowdfire, more specifically, Cara the Crowdfire podcast series host sat down with me for a chat.

Things were so comfortable talking with Cara (Social Page), that often we strayed from the topic, but most importantly, we had an awesome time.  Have a listen to the interview below.  I think that you will enjoy it.  The topics we discussed will give everyone an opportunity to get to know me a little better and hear some of my live randomness first hand.

You can hear other great interviews from their series here.

 

https://soundcloud.com/crowdfire/what-this-professor-thinks-about-blogging

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I'm Divorced Not Dead, Choosing Between New Love and Old Kids

The Issue:  Should I stay or go

I am a 40-year-old divorced guy with two children, 10 and 8. When I was younger I married an older woman, who turned out to be abusive older woman. I escaped just over 4 years ago. Should I move away from my ex and my children to start over with my new partner of 1.5 years who I want to marry?

My ex ended up with primary custody, and I have my children every other weekend, I now have a partner of 1.5 years who I am very much in love with, and with whom I hope to eventually (sooner than later) marry and have another child. However, she was recently offered, and reluctantly accepted at my insistence, a job in another state (2 hr flight/8 hr drive away). Should I move to be with my partner and start laying the foundation for a "new life," or sacrifice that dream to stay close to my children I don't want to be selfish or a negligent parent. What should I do? How should I handle this internal conflict?

[bctt tweet="Never forget that a depressed dad isn't any more effective than an absent one.  Just saying." username="wwregg"]

Let your experience lead you

Let's call you "Divorced Danny", your mind, O.K. great.

I can relate, somewhat, to the situation you described.  I have experienced something similar and was left with similar choices. While I have never been in a relationship with someone who is abusive, I am divorced with kids. When couples with children divorce, often, men find themselves holding the short straw. This is especially true for custody agreements.

Societal norms have influenced the thought patterns of the family court system, since they are kind of people, and custody arrangements traditionally favor the mother.  This is without regard to what the children want or the fitness of the father to care for the kids.   I was fortunate enough to have a mostly amicable divorce. Even with that , things were often contentious at best, specifically when making "kid arrangements". I sympathize with your feelings, and I also suspect I'm short on details concerning the intricacies of your situation.

The brakes

There is no way to solve this without dealing with your ex-wife.

THE EX

I think that is important that you have taken time to consider how your choices will impact your kids, but I also think that parents underestimate their kid's ability to grasp and understand complex situations. Your kids know what's going on between you and their mom. It's amazing how adept children are at reading emotionally charged situations. I think you and your wife should talk to them about their imminent future and their available options and let them choose.

Even if you feel like this putting them in an awkward situation, allowing them to take part, gives them a sense of control over their circumstances and makes them more amenable to change.

If you can't tell, I'm saying you should move.

I do no believe that going on with your life makes you a bad parent, nor do I believe you should consider this in finite terms.  What I mean is there is some middle ground in every situation.

At this point, you are already a part-time parent so the extent of your part-timeness (it's a word because I promoted it from letter jumble)  is irrelevant. You can continue to stay in contact with the kids and be relevant to their lives, beyond finance, even if you are not physically there. Your new fiancé and her fancy new job will support your choice, especially since you are willing to move for the benefit of your relationship. Perhaps you can work out a schedule that allows you to visit with them once a month and summers.

Remember what you can't-do

Whether you decide to go or to stay, there are a couple of things I would like to leave you with.  No matter what, you cannot do the following.

Depressed Danny

  1. Blame the kids for your inability to choose
  2. Get all butt-hurt if they choose to stay with their mom
  3. Remain stagnant in a situation you aren't happy in

Never forget that a depressed dad isn't any more effective than an absent one.  Just saying.

As always, I want to hear from you guys.  Don't forget to subscribe, so you don't miss updates.  Leave me your comments below.

 

Regg