Regg’s Recommendations

Ask Anything: How can I heal

Ask Anything: Does it get to a narcissist that you don't beg, grovel and stalk them to fix the relationship even though they are the one that discarded you?

In my situation with my Ex Narcissist, While living with the him my boyfriend dumped me for someone else. I knew all along that there was someone else but he was real good at hiding it so I couldn't bring it up to him with no proof. One weekend was different though than any other. He was a lot more demeaning to me, cold and callous, and just plain horrible. We were going to his softball’s teams BBQ and when we stopped at the liquor store he didn't even ask me if I wanted anything before he went in.

I was the only one in the car he didn't ask too. He had done that before but not in front of a car full of people. He totally ignored me the entire day. Rolled his eyes if I asked him a question making it seem like I was a burden for being there. He asked me if I wanted to leave the BBQ early so I could go home and not sleep over his place that night. I wound up sleeping over and he asked me to pack and be ready early so he could drop me off at my car. He didn't say anything else to me that night but he went right to bed. The next morning he drove me to my car, gave me my bags and when I went to kiss him goodbye ( we always kissed goodbye), he turned his face and made this disgusted face like I was the grossest thing in the world and said “"See ya” to me and drove away.

So you care?

By now you have discovered the truth, you were never really in a relationship. That is to say, you were in a relationship, but only the one that existed in your mind. In the great words of Lady Mae (Lynn Whitfield / Greanleaf):

You were dating a void where a person should have been.

Your boyfriend was really just a mannequin you showered with affection and attention. Sort of like those dolls that you put in the car so you can ride in the HOV lane, even when you are in the car alone.

Maintaining a relationship with a narcissist is grueling. These people are the black-hole of human beings. Anything you pour in will vanish never to be seen or heard from again. Like many of you, I have experience in this department.

First, consider the type of narcissist you are dealing with. Most people think they are dealing with a certified narcissist, but they really have a person who exhibits narcissistic tendencies. Here is how you can measure.

[bctt tweet="You were dating a void where a person should have been" username="wwregg"]

9 Traits of a narcissist

1. Grandiosity – This is an unrealistic view of oneself. They think they are bigger than life and better than others.
2. Arrogant and Domineering – They know more than anyone else. Controlling of others and dominating.
3. Preoccupation with Success and Power- No explanation required.
4. Lack of empathy – an inability to care about the feelings of others.
5. Belief of being unique – they see themselves as very different than other people, like there is only no comparison.
6. Sense of entitlement – They believe they have a right to anything and everything that they want without question. Including taking over the lives, property and time of others.
7. Requires excessive admiration – They want to be adored and showered with adulation without fail. They have no tolerance for anyone else to receive the spotlight.
8. Exploitative – They take advantage of other people for their own best interest. They take more than they give, and refuse to pay people for their services in a fair way …if at all.
9. Envious of others – They are resentful when other people have things that they feel entitled to. They become angry when they see that other people have things that they do not.

If the person in your life exhibits more than half of these traits its time to get professional help, or bounce. Those are your only two options, no wiggle room.

Do this⬇️

Run! Physically get away, and stay away from this person. I realize you wrote in with a single question. You are, however, asking the wrong question. Cease caring what bothers them, they do not care one iota about what bothers or annoys you. Think about how to resurrect normalcy in your life. Odds are, after dealing with this person, there is residual survival tendencies and coping mechanisms in place. Those oddities are going to cause problems in your next relationship, should you choose to pursue another.

This is not a time for reflection or nostalgia. Your question, is an investigative one. You want to attribute blame, and understand how they process your behavior.

The salient issue is how you process your own behavior. Work towards understanding why you allowed yourself to carry on a relationship with a person who was incapable of giving you what you needed to be whole and healthy. Relationships of circumstance, like those of parents or siblings, are very different than chosen relationships. When you partner with someone you choose to live with their crazy. You should investigate your state of mind and heal!

Regg

by Rex Nash

You Don't Need An Apology To Heal

How do you forgive someone who never apologized for hurting you and closed the communication?

I had a friend betray me years back. We had been friends with for 16  years. They never apologized, and it really hurt. I need to forgive them for my health, but I can't. It seems like I am really having an issue moving on.  Should I confront them about their inability to give a damn about my feelings?

Decisions

Ask yourself three things.

1. If you were to receive the coveted apology you desire, what would change for you?
2. Do you have the capacity to recognize the motive behind the action?
3. Can you be ok with never speaking to this person again?

Granted, the questions above are not easy to answer, and you may need to let them sit in your spirit for a bit before you come to an answer.

Answer

What exactly will an apology will do for you.  I have learned many things during my time as king of the dinosaurs.  One, words only have the power you give them. Two, you have some growing to do as an individual. Life is full of people who do things and could not give less of a f$%k how you feel.  The resolution to this situation lies with you. If you can forgive your friend, express your discomfort in a non-confrontational way and get the hell over it.  People like to have a warm and fuzzy answers but that just isn't reality.

If you determine your friend has done something unforgivable, and I suspect they have, then it’s time to salvage whats left of your pride.  Forgive yourself. Why, for allowing yourself to become emotionally invested in a non-reciprocal relationship.  We have all been there, this is not an indictment of your character, but you have nursed this wound long enough.

The WWR family will have plenty to share on this one, but fear not, they will not all agree with me. What say, you people?! Leave your comments below.

If you have questions and would like to partake of my sage wisdom, come through, I have an answer.

Regg

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by Rex Nash

I'm Divorced Not Dead, Choosing Between New Love and Old Kids

The Issue:  Should I stay or go

I am a 40-year-old divorced guy with two children, 10 and 8. When I was younger I married an older woman, who turned out to be abusive older woman. I escaped just over 4 years ago. Should I move away from my ex and my children to start over with my new partner of 1.5 years who I want to marry?

My ex ended up with primary custody, and I have my children every other weekend, I now have a partner of 1.5 years who I am very much in love with, and with whom I hope to eventually (sooner than later) marry and have another child. However, she was recently offered, and reluctantly accepted at my insistence, a job in another state (2 hr flight/8 hr drive away). Should I move to be with my partner and start laying the foundation for a "new life," or sacrifice that dream to stay close to my children I don't want to be selfish or a negligent parent. What should I do? How should I handle this internal conflict?

[bctt tweet="Never forget that a depressed dad isn't any more effective than an absent one.  Just saying." username="wwregg"]

Let your experience lead you

Let's call you "Divorced Danny", your mind, O.K. great.

I can relate, somewhat, to the situation you described.  I have experienced something similar and was left with similar choices. While I have never been in a relationship with someone who is abusive, I am divorced with kids. When couples with children divorce, often, men find themselves holding the short straw. This is especially true for custody agreements.

Societal norms have influenced the thought patterns of the family court system, since they are kind of people, and custody arrangements traditionally favor the mother.  This is without regard to what the children want or the fitness of the father to care for the kids.   I was fortunate enough to have a mostly amicable divorce. Even with that , things were often contentious at best, specifically when making "kid arrangements". I sympathize with your feelings, and I also suspect I'm short on details concerning the intricacies of your situation.

The brakes

There is no way to solve this without dealing with your ex-wife.

I think that is important that you have taken time to consider how your choices will impact your kids, but I also think that parents underestimate their kid's ability to grasp and understand complex situations. Your kids know what's going on between you and their mom. It's amazing how adept children are at reading emotionally charged situations. I think you and your wife should talk to them about their imminent future and their available options and let them choose.

Even if you feel like this putting them in an awkward situation, allowing them to take part, gives them a sense of control over their circumstances and makes them more amenable to change.

If you can't tell, I'm saying you should move.

I do no believe that going on with your life makes you a bad parent, nor do I believe you should consider this in finite terms.  What I mean is there is some middle ground in every situation.

At this point, you are already a part-time parent so the extent of your part-timeness (it's a word because I promoted it from letter jumble)  is irrelevant. You can continue to stay in contact with the kids and be relevant to their lives, beyond finance, even if you are not physically there. Your new fiancé and her fancy new job will support your choice, especially since you are willing to move for the benefit of your relationship. Perhaps you can work out a schedule that allows you to visit with them once a month and summers.

Remember what you can't-do

Whether you decide to go or to stay, there are a couple of things I would like to leave you with.  No matter what, you cannot do the following.

1. Blame the kids for your inability to choose
2. Get all butt-hurt if they choose to stay with their mom
3. Remain stagnant in a situation you aren't happy in

Never forget that a depressed dad isn't any more effective than an absent one.  Just saying.

As always, I want to hear from you guys.  Don't forget to subscribe, so you don't miss updates.  Leave me your comments below.

Regg

by Rex Nash

Ask Anything: Millennials who will not move out

You have a millennial who will not move out?

Welcome back folks!  The QOTD (question of the day) comes from our nosy friend Robyn.  Robyn listens to the complaints of her co-workers.  She has clearly taken lending an ear one step further than required.

She asks,

" What is your opinion about young adults that choose deliberately to stay with their parents after they pass adulthood? I am talking for people above 22~25 yo that prefer to stay with their parents…I believe it makes you become less assertive with your life…and it is a major turn off as I have seen many of them having trouble connecting with other people."

Just a little shadow and not complete shade

As is customary, before I actually go ahead an answer the question, I have a couple of words for Robyn.

1. If I were your co-worker, and I found out that you had written in to a website to get an answer to some business that isn't even yours, it would be our last day working together.  YOU FEEL ME?
2. I assume you mean well, but you are nosy AF, like really really nosy.
3. Thank you for your question, because I'm nosy too and I would never want to miss the opportunity to get the scoop!  :-P

All young people are different

It is pretty obvious that all young people are not the same.  The problem is, while we know and acknowledge this, we continue to force our youth down a uniform path of development.  Imagine that some children are more artistic than others.  Artists have a very different path to success than those who choose more stereotypical normal careers.

Many artists go to school for 4-6 years to develop their skills in a particular medium, but discovery or  critical acclaim will vary  according to a variety of influences beyond their control.

Others, who decide to attend college for accounting will spend roughly the same amount of time developing their skills, but they will likely find a job before their artistic contemporaries are discovered.

[bctt tweet="Young people are often adversely impacted by those who wield influential power over them." username="wwregg"]

"As clinicians and educators, I think we have collectively failed to monitor our own thinking about this population. We know that thoughts lead to feelings, and feelings can lead to actions. Are we applying this knowledge to ourselves in our work with young adults?

We should acknowledge that we have chosen certain beliefs about young adults and, as such, these cognitive structures are negatively influencing our experience of working with this population.

Who determines what is normal? Struggling is a word often used with this population. They are certainly not thriving and not succeeding like their counterparts, who have not been labeled as “struggling.” Even the term late bloomer, which on the surface seems gentler, indicates that these individuals are not on time in their development."

Real is still real

Does this mean that we should allow kids to stay at home with a clock that never runs out?  That would be a hell no!  There has to be some structure around the choices that young people make.

A free ride is not good for anyone.  This is the perfect age to remind them that the life they live is not really their own.  Allowing them to stay and taking care of them is two very different things.

While you don't want them to be homeless, this does not mean that you have to make it easy.  Don't do their laundry.  Stop buying their favorite snacks from the grocery store.

Remove as many luxuries as possible to make sure that their discomfort is their motivator.  Also, consider putting some timelines in place.  Make sure they know that even though they are not in their chosen profession, the will need a job and an actionable plan.  I think you get my point Robyn.

Now put this in your own words and tell your co-worker, plagiarism is not a victim-less crime.  8-O

Have a question that you need a good real answer to.  Email me!

by Rex Nash

Ask Anything: How do I tell my husband that he is no longer good enough for me?

Response

I had to let this question sit in my spirit a little.  Anyone who has made a substantial change in their lifestyle will have the tendency to reevaluate their circumstances.  As someone who has experienced this, I can relate.  Once, I was heavier than I am today.  At my heaviest, I was 580 pounds, at 6ft 5in.  I didn't think that I looked that bad, but I was in denial.  I had a weight loss surgery, and boy did it change more than just the number on the scale.  As I began to lose weight,  the dormant parts of my personality resurfaced.  It felt really good to be the person I always wanted to be, but was too embarrassed because of my weight.

 It's ok to feel better about you

This kind of thing has a tremendous impact on the way that you see yourself and the way you feel when interacting with others.  This brings me to my point.  You mentioned that you were starting to receive attention from the men at work.  The newly found attention has more to do with the way you feel about you than the way you look.  I am not naive, however, it is clear that your "improved" figure has something to do with the attention as well. That being said, I am going to have to go ahead take my sensitivity hat off.

With all due love and respect

You are totally full of shit.  Did your marriage vows mean anything to you?  I hope that you have left some details out of this story that will upgrade my opinion of the kind of person you are.  You really need to do something to soothe the materialist beast that is taking over in your life.  How do you know that the men at work, with the better cars and homes are actually better?  How do you know they are not abusers, keeping a spare ass whipping on hold for you? Perhaps they are jealous, controlling, and unwilling to allow you the same freedom as your current husband.  There are millions of hypothetical situations I could conjure to correct your momentary lapse into ignorance, but I will stop here.

Final Answer

What i will say, your current state of mind is temporary.  You may be successful at keeping your figure but your insides will continue to be fucked up as long as you continue in this current vein of immaturity.  Sex, money, cars, all fade.  Unless you no longer value your current relationship, you need to sit the hell down somewhere.  We still love you tho sis  :-)

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by Rex Nash

I Aint Friends With Your GF: NSFW

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by Rex Nash

Is It Normal to Smash Plates?

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by Rex Nash