Don't feed us your BS success story
About that BS success story
We are over the “one day it just happened with out me doing anything” narrative that you love to share. Most of you are lying. If you garnered any type of success by publishing a post or an article it was on purpose.
You want us to believe that you wrote for months or years without result and were content to wait for your moment. Occasionally, you tell us that your third article went viral, afterward no one cared and things went back to normal. You continued to write until you were “discovered”. You insist that you didn’t care about the money or the attention, you did it for the art.
We call bullshit.
Most, if not all, of us care about the art, the expression, and the contribution to community. We want the other shit too!
What we think when you talk
You may not want to share your secret sauce but there is a recipe. Maybe it’s one that only works only for you. It could be true, your work garnered more attention than you ever imagined. Regardless, you intended to get a result.
Where are the people willing to be honest about what it takes to have the sort of success that every new blogger wants?
We get it, the mystique adds to the appeal. We want you to know that it also adds to the frustration and does not increase our estimation of your talent nor our admiration for you. Understanding there is no magic spell or wand to wave, that there is no one size fits all, we know there is no one coming to guide us to the literary promise land.
We know you want to feel special, even the most modest writers do. You want us to believe that you are one in a million, that many but few succeed.
What is your truth?
Are you ashamed of never really working hard? Maybe, you are embarrassed to share too much, that the mystifying curtain of pretense will come crashing down, exposing the truth of your “expertise”.
We the masses have had enough of your inflated ego and marginal writing, subsequent listicles and lengthy tirades about the luck that landed on your doorstep.
We really want
For once, we would love for the glittery rags to riches prodigies to say
“I tried really hard and sucked for a long time before I got any traction”.
“I joined a million useless Facebook groups and begged relatives to click-through my site to mask the failing heartbeat of my marooned blog”.
We have come so far from Oz, and we sure as shit aren’t Dorothy, so let’s have some fucking truth for a change you great and powerful wizards.
Ask Anything: How do really fat people manage to travel in economy airlines?
Our latest ask anything question comes from Sam. Sam has a very curious mind and wants to know:
"No offense, but I have always been curious about this one thing. Not everyone can
afford to travel First or Business Class, and the Economy seats aren't exactly the roomy kinds. So is it always the troubled neighbor or do some airlines make some special arrangements for them? Have you had any such experiences traveling with obese folks? I have really fat relatives, but never had the nerve to ask them. I really just want to know, I don't want to be offensive."
Sam, Sam, Sam where should I begin. I give your ten points for asking this question in the most polite way possible. I have heard this question a couple of times before, and until now, I was reluctant to answer it publicly. Fat people fly economy in utter and complete agony. I will make this really simple for you Sam. There are three good reasons that "fat people" hate to fly, and find it to be one of many humiliating experiences.
Why flying while "fat" is miserable
90 Percent of all people who have never had significant issues with their weight have no issue with dehumanizing those that have.
Ignorant people, like the one pictures above, exist everywhere. Many overweight people have spent a lifetime battling their weight issues. They think about the way that people look at them when they walk into a room. Ordinary activities are filled with anxiety, and thoughts of "how is this going to work for me?" fill their minds. Imagine arriving at the gate, of course you are completely aware that you are fat, only to find a minimum of 75 other people looking at you behind blank stares and empty eyes, secretly praying to god that you are sitting nowhere near them. The silent voice of those unspoken indictments are felt just as sharply as they would if they had been articulated.
Airlines are primarily concerned with packing sardines and not passenger comfort
The average size of a an economy airline seat is roughly 17.5 inches between the armrests. The seats have been this size for the last 30+ years. The size of the seat is not based on the amount of space passengers need to be comfortable, but the least amount of space required to stay within safety standards. Meanwhile, they maximize the amount of people they can pack into the cabin. Look at these seats, they are small AF! Making them tall means absolutely nothing. Especially, if you are in a nearly standing position the entire flight
From a business perspective, it makes total sense, however, as a passenger of any size, its ridiculous and uncomfortable. I have not said anything ground breaking here, but I think that some people should take up their fight with the airline and not ridiculing and shaming their fellow passengers.
You are not that great either
Quiet as its kept, fat people are not that thrilled about sitting next to the non-fats either, or anyone for that matter. Its uncomfortable. Who would willingly subject themselves to public ridicule and speculation. Who wants to pay the extra cost to take a flight for work, and pay to upgrade a ticket for a minimally more comfortable seat to a place they never wanted to go. I know many will say lose weight. To that I will say grow the hell up.
Finally
Sam, I can appreciate the fact that you are curious, I can even understand why you never asked your fat family. I think I have more than answered your question, so I would like to leave you with these parting words. Worry about yourself. The next time you fly and are "forced" to sit next to a fat person, remember what they went through to have an semi-ordinary trip that you took for granted until you boarded the plane.
Where have all the cowboys gone?
Missing
Why am I still searching for the cowboys like me. In the classrooms, the office and creative spaces. The spaces that are non-inclusive of music and sports. Yet I love music, and tolerate sports. Continuously looking for faces like mine, and perpetually finding blank ballots waiting for their owners.
By now, I should have given up. I have not. Disseminating individual contributions, as if there is enough to go around, and searching for the illusive community that promises to reveal itself only for a moment. Closed doors and empty rooms manifest and resemble the internal void, the external lacking
Unity
Needs go unmet. Faces exactly the same is not the desired result, but that recognize a unified experience. Ones capable of giving and receiving respect for a mutual contribution, shared struggles and similar journeys.
The atmosphere is looking, requiring, and demanding the gathering. All shall be there.
You need this.
Potentially unable to recognize the need in yourself, yet willing to fill the need in others.
Risk it.
Individually able to propel and inspire , collectively able to effect change.
Spread this message of inclusion.
Shaking and shaking until apathy breaks loose. Until your value is apparent.
Recognize it, and mourn it’s disuse.
The space is cleared, the door unlocked, waiting for the impending reunion.
The responsibility of a writer is to excavate the experience of the people who produced him. - J. Baldwin
The Road That Brought Goodbye
I have learned so far...
It happened unexpectedly. Standing in a room with people who I recognize as relatives, but have on occasion felt no connection to, I'm forced to relive the moments I have worked very hard to forget. I no longer have the luxury to compartmentalize and must now come face to face with the fact that the father I erased all emotional connection to, is now dying.
Eventually, you realize the big things, the really big things, turn out to be far less valuable than the hurt that you treasure as a result of them. Redemption is earned and not given, moreover you can only earn it from yourself. I have spent many years training myself to keep up a façade of stone and impenetrability whike crumbling underneath. Life has taught me, what I once mistook for strength was really cowardice and immaturity. At best, I can hope for healing, and at worst more hard truths.
The hour
I woke up one weekend not long ago, to what promised to be a day like any other. I received several messages from family, to let me know that our father’s condition was deteriorating. I am aware that the last 6 years have only been available to him, through various palliative treatments. Our relationship for the past 20 years has been more or less non-existent. The story is not the same for my elder siblings.
As a note, parents of children separated by large age gaps, be mindful. Help your younger children maintain those relationships with those that came before them. Growing up as an only child and knowing you have brothers and sisters is a bit lonelier than being an only child in the more traditional sense.
I’ve not lived long enough to share a life story, what I have is more a lesson. The sheer weight of hurt and broken relationships is smothering.
All at once I realized that I did actually care, in a far larger capacity than I ever anticipated.
None of this can be fixed. I cannot recapture the years that have hastened by without my permission, or the hard feelings that I have tucked away to preserve my ability to soothe my ego through righteous indignation.
The abyss that is my familial divide continues to expand, with some exception, but continues nonetheless. I blame no one and everyone, while in the end I know owning the isolation I have created is a must. Removing the boundaries, I have laced with electric toxicity is left to me.
Finally
I mourn the impending loss with a consternation I have never felt before. Simultaneously, I feel guilty for my inabiluty to connect directly with the sadness. I tell myself that I will be sad on their behalf, but in truth I regret a fully realized relationship that will never be.
I speak to him in my way hoping that after the transition my messages will be waiting for him.
I want you to know what you meant and what you missed. A part of me loves you like the little boy who always wanted what the other little boys had.
I missed you then and I miss you now.
I will give the love I wanted from you to my children. I know they thank you. I will never tell them what you weren’t, but show them what you should have been.
I love you anyway. I will always remember what you did share with me, and thank you for the strength I gained through struggle.
Critical Thinking is More than Figuring Out How to Get What You Want
Hello, Good morning, Good afternoon, and Goodnight
It’s time to wake up your brain and jumpstart your efforts. Get focused on critical thinking. If you are like me, now and then you need a kick in the ass to get it together. I was talking to a friend the other day, and we both agreed that we great advice. We also agreed that we are both really bad at taking advice. Most times we all know the right things to do, we simply struggle to break the emotional connection that prevents logical decision-making. You are in luck today buddy, I don’t know you! I have no emotional connection to your issues, but I do care enough to share some quality info with you.
You know why this is important, focus
Critical thinking is the difference between having a plan and winging it. It is also the difference between success and failure. Too often, we are reactionary, rather than strategic. A strategy is a rationale at the heart of every successful critical thinker.
If you allow the way you perceive questions and problems to evolve, you will begin to see new possibilities. These avenues will not always be the ones that you choose, however, you will have options. There is nothing better than options right! We have all heard or read something regarding critical thinking. So why bother to share this info today. My goal is to share ways to implement the practice in a real way. It is very easy to say what you want to do happen, but very different to do it. Let’s begin!
Stop stalling
Planning is not a waste of time. Take time to account for potential obstacles, Things will go wrong, meanwhile, you will be more prepared for the unknown. Imagining what could go wrong, or being paralyzed by uncertainty is the opposite of planning. The key is, recognizing the difference between planning and stalling. Think about contingencies and move forward. One word, moderation.
Get focused on your objectives
I am so random. Sometimes, it takes a great deal of energy to reign in my thoughts so that I can plan and execute a strategy. The best thing you can do for yourself creates a list. Think about what is most important, and cross off one thing at a time. The more time you spend yakking about what you want to do rather than working on it, the more likely you are to fail
What if your goals are complicated
Break it down. Think about what needs to happen first, second, third… In other words, start to dissect your goal into its smaller components and do them a little at a time. I know you are a rock star, and you are great at everything. Everyone can benefit from chunking objectives into manageable goals.
Ditch the days of I can’t
Let go of those old thought patterns. Easier said than done, I know, but you must start somewhere. If you can correct one thing that consistently derails you, the second thing will be much more doable. Check yourself, stop being your own worst enemy. Ask yourself, am I being rational? Is my reaction commensurate with the situation? If the answer is ever no, you know what to do.
WARNING: THE NEXT COUPLE OF SENTENCES WILL BE LAME, BUT THEY ARE TOTALLY NECESSARY.
Your next task is to pick one person who exhibits three of the intellectual traits that you would like to have for yourself and attempt to understand how they own and embody them. After you understand how they work in their life, try to see how you can employ them in your own life with maximum effectiveness. You may mess up the first couple of times you test these skills, but the fact that you are measuring your success is an accomplishment in itself.
How can I tell if my daughter is a lesbian?
I hope you saw the question from last week.
Today's question comes from "Way too interested Wanda". Wanda says " How can I tell if my daughter is a lesbian?" Check out the short background info below.
She's 16 and has absolutely no interest in boys her age. She occasionally comments on how “cute” women are on the television. We live in a conservative household, and I don't want my only child to be gay!! What do I do??
We should approach this question with as much sensitivity as possible. We can only assume that this s a real question and that I am not being "punked" for lack of a better word. Perhaps, the best way to answer this question is from a supportive p.o.v.
Why does it matter if she is a lesbian?
As a parent, perhaps you are concerned about how the world is going to treat your daughter if this turns out to be true. Nothing about what you provided in the background information indicates that you have a valid reason to think your daughter is a lesbian. For the sake of argument, let's assume you are right. I refuse to judge you, well mostly anyway, and the fact that you say your household is "conservative" is at the very least concerning to me. The way you phrased it implies that your household does not include your daughter. I am going to assume that is not what you meant and stop there. #SIDEEYE
I would say to you, your time would be better spent focused on making sure that you are raising a responsible confident individual. Kids often to learn to love themselves based primarily on parental examples. If you treat them like something is wrong, you may end up not having to worry about how the world will treat her. Not to be morbid, but gay kids have a really high suicide rate.
Don't just Don't
This may sound counter intuitive, but the worst thing that you could do is ask her. More than likely, she is not sure about who she really is. Pressuring her about her sexual identity at a time when she is still figuring that out is just not hot. Not to mention, she may not be sexually active. Your invasive questions will only exacerbate an already tense situation.
This leads to my next point, it's impossible for her to be a lesbian if she is not having sex. More appropriately you are concerned about her same-sex attraction. As mentioned before, it's completely unfounded. I am sorry that you live in a mental space where the admiration for another individual, regardless of their gender, constitutes homosexuality.
Focus
I mean this in the nicest way possible, your kid's sexuality is not about you. Most importantly, this is really a non-issue. Your job as a parent is to teach her. Unless you are running a sexual playground in your basement, which I doubt, teach her about life. Give her the coping skills she needs to deal with life and it's complications. The choices she makes once she leaves your home have no reflection on you or the job you've done as a parent. Don't waste this time worrying about what could be, instead focus and making sure she knows you love her and she will always have a place in your life.
Try some of these tips.
I hope this helps.